It is definitely much harder this time round than it was the last time.
Midflight the last time, I was worried that Shasta would not make it the entire flight. I don't have to worry about this this time round...
I am scared. I am scared because I am not sure what my reaction will be:
(1) when I get to Singapore
(2) when I return to our apartment and for the first time in almost 5 years, Shasta will not be there to greet us. I used to travel quite a bit for my job and he was always there to greet me when I returned from my trip. Jessica said that I was always grumpy when I returned from a business trip. Shasta didn't care.
(3) when we go attend his cremation on Saturday.
Grieving is a process. I'm not sure how this process works. The 2 closest people to me that have passed on were my grandmothers, both paternal and maternal. My paternal grandmother passed on when I was 20. My maternal, I was around 25, I think. I was close to them, but like most Asian families, there is some kind of barrier between generations. I don't think I had ever had the same kind of bond with my grandparents as I had with Shasta. Or maybe I have just grown up? I am not sure how this grieving process works. I am told that it may take some time.
I think this might be my last post in the Bay Area. I will try posting when I get to Singapore. I am sure I will. However, I will be sending off this blog to the people who know us or have in some way, shape or form had encounters with Shasta. Jessica and I really do not feel like talking much right now. We are more in a reclusive mood right now. I hope you all understand.
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