Breaking the news to Gavin

Posted by Jessica
When my family and I arrived at the condo, my first reaction was to take a shower. I wanted some time alone. I has stopped crying. Whenever I start to cry, my mom would cry too and she will keep repeating that she is sorry for not taking better care of Shasta. I have already told her in the car earlier that accidents happen, he is a dog. He is curious about things. Nothing will bring him back.

I didn't want to step onto the balcony just yet. I was not ready. Also, Gavin was going to call me in about 30 mins and I wanted time to think about how to break the news to him. My family was very concerned about how I was and so, taking a shower was the only way that I could be alone.

In the shower, I cried again. I kept repeating these words to Shasta, "I'm sorry."

I got out of the shower feeling better. I am ready to call Gavin and break the news to him. I walked out to the balcony but not to the wall. I just sat down at a teakwood stool and dialed Gavin's no. I don't know what to say yet...and he answered my call.

Whenever Gavin and I are apart, I think our first question is "how are you? or how's your day?" and then followed by "how's shasta?" to the one who is watching over him.

I can't remember if Gavin asked the latter question or not...I only know that I sounded like I was crying when I answered his first question. Then he asked, "why are you crying?"
I said: "I am sorry."
"He jumped?!!" Gavin started to sound hysterical, "Shasta jumped off the balcony?"
"I am sorry." I managed to tell him what happened and all I could hear on the other end is his sobbing. Gavin's hysterical cries and sobbing went on for a long time. I know he mumbled things in his cry but couldn't make out most of them... I did hear his mumbling cry that he hates Singapore, he does not want to come back, why is Shasta so stupid to jump, it is only one more day till I get home...I corrected him to say that it was only a few hours till I get home.

I tried to tell Gavin all the details as I know he feels lost...not knowing exactly what happened. I know he wants details...i told him about the plan to see Shasta's body in the morning. I asked gavin if he wants to see Shasta's body. If he wants to, I will ask them to cremate his body later. Gavin said no, he does not want to see Shasta's body. I told him that we will bring Shasta's ashes back to San Francisco in Aug since we have made plans to make a trip back in Aug.

Around 2am or so, I hung up the phone with Gavin.

I sat on the stool for a while...I keep thinking about what Shasta was thinking or curious about... I stood up and walked over to the balcony wall where Shasta possibly leaped to his death. I feel more empty. I want to touch his fur coat and his ears so badly. I want to rub his ears and whisper to him like I always do before we go to bed.

I went to bed around 3:30am...I can't wait for the morning to come.