The book I should have written

Shortly after we had returned to Singapore after Shasta had passed on, I received a package in the mail. I opened it up to find the book "Marley and Me" by John Grogan. I had seen the book many times previously, at Costco, at Target, but honestly, the interest in reading about someone else's dog never caught fancy with me... we had our own dog... why read about someone else's dogs pranks? The package also came with a card wishing us condolences about Shasta and saying that from reading what was written on our blog about Shasta, we would enjoy and relate to this book. 

I was still too upset to read the book and so I set it aside. Jessica started reading the book first and from her overall reaction, I knew I would have to read it sooner or later. 

About a week ago, I started reading the book. And last night, I put it down... completely read. I cannot honestly say that it is even close to the best book I have read. However, it terms of reality, there is nothing that comes close. Although Shasta was not even half as naughty as the author's dog Marley, everything else the author talked about with regard to unwavering loyalty, selflessness, friendship and most importantly, the fact that no matter what you did to him, he would never stay angry with you for more than all of 5 secs hit home so much. For those of you with interest in reading the book, I will not spoil it for you. My favorite part of the book was the last section. It touched me so much I was drawn to tears for the first time in about 6 weeks when thinking about Shasta. I recommend it as a "must read" to all pet owners, especially dogs, 'cos fish and hamsters just don't bring about the same emotions. Whether your "man's best friend" has passed on or not...

Another prop to the author, many stories that he told in the book, we have experienced. However, it takes a special person to be an author and reading this book convinced me that that little thought at the back of my mind about one day writing a book... he put it to rest. I don't know how he could put into words those actions that seemed so simple yet were too difficult to describe and draw your audiences' attention. I don't know... maybe that thought will one day come back and I might give it a try. But for now, I will stick with blogs.

Once again, the book's name is Marley and Me by John Grogan and the website is:

www.marleyandme.com

Happy Reading... if the book, then, our blog...

Happy Birthday

Today would have been Shasta's 5th birthday (or so SFSPCA said).





Shasta at 7 months







Shasta and Lola









Shasta just hanging out








Shasta swimming at our annual camping trip and Mt/Lake Shasta

Day 2 - Shasta's cremation

We woke up early this morning to go for breakfast.

We arrived at Mt Pleasant Animal Hospital around 9:20am. They told us to give them a few minutes to prepare Shasta's body.

About 10mins later, a person came into the waiting area to tell us they were ready.

I entered the room first, with Jessica trailing behind me. There was an animal on some kind of cart, with a white sheet over it. When the person moved the sheet. I was shocked. It was not Shasta. They had brought out the wrong dog. It was a German Shepherd. Jessica was the first to react saying that this was not our dog. The guy seemed a little surprised and so back to the waiting area we went, to allow them to fix their mess up.

10 more minutes passed, and the guy was back to say there were ready... again.

Shasta's head was laying on his pillow. It was not his usual really stinky pillow. That one is still at home laying on the ground in our condo at Dover. I told Jessica to leave that one behind. This pillow was the one that Gill had purchased for us in SF and shipped it to Singapore because we couldn't find a similar pillow in Singapore. It was the one we made him use while we were away.

He looked peaceful. His eyes were just a small bit open, and surprisingly, they looked like they had a little life in them. Maybe it was just my imagination.

I touched him. He was cold. But his paws and ears felt the same... I started crying.

Honestly, I don't remember the last time, if ever, I have cried so much.

The guy offered me some kleenex. 

I just knelt there, touching him, crying and wiping tears away.

I think I was there for about another 4-5 mins, put his donut toy (that we play catch with him with) between his front paws, and then I told Jessica I was going to go outside.

Shasta's body was then to be cremated. His ashes will be ready for pick up on Monday.

We have not yet decided what to do with his ashes.

The hospital will put his ashes in an urn. Honestly, the urn is hella ugly.

Even though we have not decided what to do with his ashes, we will bring the ashes back to the US. We discussed several options.

(1) Bury the ashes in the back yard of a home we eventually buy.

or (I like this one a little better)

(2) When we go camping this summer at Mount/Lake Shasta, we will disperse his ashes on the little island. Those of you who have been camping with us know what island we are talking about.

Today is supposed to be closure. We donated his food to this girl that Jessica had found on the internet who rescues dogs. 

I don't think there is a such a thing as closure.

Symbolically, the cremation was closure. That aside, I don't know how there is going to be closure to missing something you care and treasure so much.

Shasta, may you rest in peace. We love you and will miss you greatly.

Day 1 (cont) and Day 2

Yesterday was pretty difficult.

I was all alone at home.

It got worse when a thunderstorm started brewing.

As some of you know, because we talked about it some, Shasta was terrified of the thunder. His heart would start thumping at a thousand beats per second when he heard thunder. He would come and stand right by me if I were laying down on the couch. He would not let me out of his sight if there was thunder. Yesterday afternoon, there was thunder... but no Shasta.

I decided to get out of the house and spend the rest of the afternoon at McDonald's using my laptop there and reading the papers, waiting for Jessica to get off work.

I feel lonely, but I really don't want/need to talk to anyone right now... so, a McDonald's/Starbucks/any coffee chain would do. We get free internet connections at these places in Singapore.

I met up with Jessica after work, had dinner, came home and prepared for today. It was going to be an early day. Shasta's cremation was going to be at 10am but we were told to arrive at 9:3am. Jessica suggested having breakfast before going to Mount Pleasant Animal Hospital.

Day 1

Life is strange, sometimes ironical.

I see today and tomorrow as my toughest days.

3 months ago, at this time, I was just anxious to see Shasta, and to make sure he made it out of the flight ok. If you go back to the earlier postings, you will be able to read about my visit to the Airfreight center and how relieved I was when I first saw him and took him for a short walk within the complex and so forth.

Today, I sit here posting. Usually, Shasta will sit in front of me just below the TV and nap or stare at me. Below the TV lies my 2 pieces of luggage. Shasta is very curious and also suffers somewhat from separation anxiety. When I get off the couch, he gets up too. And even if I'm just going to the kitchen or the bathroom, he follows. We kept each other company daily for 2 months up to the point we left for SF. I don't really know how to describe the feeling... empty? maybe...

I arrived in Singapore last night after a very uneventful flight (Thank God). 

I usually sleep quite a bit on flight but sleep was hard to come by this time round.

I watched 3 movies in a row and finally dozed off on the 4th movie.

I flew ANA home instead of United. The food and service was definitely worlds better on ANA than on United. Well, how much worse can it possibly get, right? And unlike cheapo United, most other airlines have personal screens. So, that was nice. 

In Narita, I had 2 over hours to kill and so I posted on the blog and had myself something to eat. I also chatted with Jessica for a bit.

On the final leg from Tokyo to Singapore, the flight was extremely light. So, I moved to a empty 3 seat row and took a nap. I only managed a 90 min or so nap. 

Upon arrival in Singapore, Jessica was there to pick me up. I think Jessica is trying to very strong so that everyone around her (me, her Mom, her brother) does not feel bad over the incident. I think she is doing a fantastic job. I managed to hold back my tears till I got into the house. Jessica's Mom had left a short note for me (she didn't need to do that, I don't blame her) and when Jessica and I read the note, we broke down. 

I don't blame anyone except maybe myself for this entire incident.

I think, due to the lack of sleep on the flight, after I showered, I went to bed. I didn't sleep really well, but everything considered, it was ok.

My parents are out of town on a cruise. They had left yesterday morning (the same morning of the day I was getting in at night). So, we have their car to use.

I took Jessica to the train station. I was gonna buy breakfast home but decided against doing that because that would make me sad... Shasta liked checking out the food we ate. I know he wanted to share our food, and right now, I regret not doing so... but it was bad for him. So, whenever I bring breakfast back, he will come check it out. After a few unsuccessful tries, he will either go lay back down or go eat his own food. These are very small things... but I'm going to miss them. 

I think I will go find something to do today. The house seems very empty and lonely. But maybe I have Shasta to thank for getting me out of the house.

Tomorrow is another tough day as we cremate him tomorrow. I will get to see his body for the first time since he passed on. 

Messages from Shasta's friends

Shortly after I had shared the news (via the blog) with you, many of Shasta's friends, we got many well wishes back from you. Some of you know Shasta rather well, because you have either dog-sat him, played with him, went camping with him, etc, etc.

I know that some of you do not like your names on the internet. However, I thought it would be best if I could share some of these well wishes with everyone. I think it just validates Jessica and my feelings on how special and precious Shasta was to us. I know I did not ask for any of your permissions to post your e-mails on this blog, but I'm sure you will forgive me for doing so.

(1)

Dearest Jessica and Gavin,

I had a lot to reflect in past few days after hearing about Shasta... Today, I went to your blog and read more about what you guys are going through... Your blog, so filled with love for Shasta and for each other made me cry... I am still crying and I type this email...

I think I can relate what you are going through... May not completely... But, I think so... I hate to use the word "pet" or "dog" to refer to Basil (or Hodori) either. I have known, cared for, and loved Basil close to 13 years now ever since she was 9 weeks old... I have known her longer than I have known Matt even... Matt always jokes about how Basil comes before him... And there is some truth to that. Different kind of love... I do think of Basil as my child... Actually... for a person who does not have a child, I don't know what it feel to have a child. All I know is that she is one of the closest "person" to me. If I think of Basil leaving me, I start to tear up and cry even if she is seating next to me... I don't know when Basil (or Hodori) will leave us... So, all I can do is to love them and care for them the best I can while they are here with me.

You two have been the best... Shasta had a wonderful life... Please find some comfort in that Shasta had a great life with two people who loved Shasta so much...

I am not good with words... Honestly, I don't know what I can say to make you two feel better... I don't think anything CAN make two of you feel better at this point. I just want you to know that I will be thinking of Shasta and you two as both of you go through the grieving process...

Love,
Jae

(2)

Hey Gavin and Jessica,

AJ and I are both very sorry about your loss.
Shasta was a cool dog, and your baby, and taken away too soon.

I read your blogs.
The whole griefing process is not pretty but is a necessary and tremendous release.
We cried buckets when our cat Bubby died late last year.
Now when I talk about him, my eyes still well up and we still constantly miss him.

Shasta was a very lucky dog because he was so lovingly cared for by you guys.
He showed his contentment by being so happy and mellow all the time!!
Not many dogs have the privilege of such loving homes.
And not many humans get the privilege to hang out with such a special character.
I hope you can find comfort in the fact that you helped give Shasta his very very happy life.

Have a safe trip home, Gav.
Take good care and talk soon!
Shian and AJ

(3)

Gavin and Jessica,

I’m sorry for the sad news. I can understand your desire to be left alone; but I just want to tell you guys that I miss Shasta too – always drooling during your bbq, coming to me with his smelly wet bone so I can play with him. Please take care of yourselves, and we’ll talk when the time is right. We miss you in the bay area.

Minnie

(4)
Sorry to hear about your loss.

Even in the short time I knew Shasta I liked him a lot. Always happy and friendly to all, with his tail wagging away . At our camp ground at Lake Shasta is where I got to hang out with him the most. Shasta was a funny dog that I liked to be around the more I played and hung out with him.

No words I can say will make you feel any better, but Shasta was a good dog who lived a good life and had two loving parents.

Take care

same place, different worry

Slightly more than 3 months ago, I was here... at Narita... in transit.

I had noticed that temp was -79F on the flight and was worried about Shasta.

I e-mailed Jessica and was informed that he is not really in the cargo compartment. He is, but he is in a special part of the cargo compartment meant for livestock. I was slightly relieved but still worried if he would make it the entire journey. He did. He was a very strong dog. He made it 28 or so hours in his crate.

Today, I am here again at Narita. This time round, I have other worries. Shasta is no longer with us. He made it to Singapore but never made it out of Singapore. He was a very well traveled dog though. Obviously not like a Paris Hilton dog since he is 104lbs and not a 10lbs foo foo dog like Paris' dog, but he has gone all the way up to Eugene, OR. He has even been to some of the lakes around Eugene. He has been camping at Mount/Lake Shasta... 4 times in all. He has been to Santa Barbara and pretty much almost all the way down to San Diego. He almost made it Lake Tahoe but we were very pressed for time and never made it there. 

In 8-9 hrs, I will be back in Singapore. I think I will be ok.

Update this when I get to Singapore.

Carrying Half of a 40 lb bag Never Felt so Good

I carried a half full 40lb bag of dog food back from my mom's...When i took it out from the trunk...I hugged it tight...the dog food smell reminds me of Shasta. I didn't think I would enjoy carrying the bag but I did.

Looking out and down...

Posting by Jessica

Met Gav's parents for dinner...for some reason, they wanted to have dinner near my mom's place and thus, we ended up meeting at the condo where it all happened. I am not entirely convinced that they wanted to eat dinner there...I am thinking that they may want everyone to be comfortable at the condo and thus, suggested to have dinner there. I don't know..but doesn't really matter.

I noticed that my mom and Gav parents have this thing about looking at the spot where Shasta landed. From the lift lobby on the 8th floor, one can look out and see the balcony and imagine the motion of Shasta falling from the balcony to the landing ground on the 2nd floor. It is like they are trying to investigate to know how it all happened.

The day after I was told of Shasta's death, I did go to the 2nd floor landing...I noticed a flower pot on its side and wondered if Shasta hit it when he fell. the ground was dirty with garbage..not a pretty sight...and I wondered how long he was there for till my brother found him.

Gav's dad was telling me that when it happened, my eldest brother called him. When he came over, my brother suggested that they (my brother and Gav's dad) try to get Shasta's body out of the area through the opening in the grill. Gav's dad said that's not possible...Shasta is over 100lbs. My brother even suggested to bring Shasta's body back to our apartment in Dover since our AC is on 24/7 to wait for us to return.

I laughed. I thought it was funny that my brother actually thought that the AC could preserve Shasta's body for so long. Gav's dad told him that the body will decompose quickly. My eldest brother was clearly shocked at the incident. Thankfully, my second brother has a calmer side, called the pet hospital and got help to carry Shasta out of the area and to hold his body in the cold room at the hospital.

Last 24 hrs in the Bay Area

I will be leaving the Bay Area in about 24 hours.

It is definitely much harder this time round than it was the last time.

Midflight the last time, I was worried that Shasta would not make it the entire flight. I don't have to worry about this this time round...

I am scared. I am scared because I am not sure what my reaction will be:

(1) when I get to Singapore

(2) when I return to our apartment and for the first time in almost 5 years, Shasta will not be there to greet us. I used to travel quite a bit for my job and he was always there to greet me when I returned from my trip. Jessica said that I was always grumpy when I returned from a business trip. Shasta didn't care.

(3) when we go attend his cremation on Saturday.

Grieving is a process. I'm not sure how this process works. The 2 closest people to me that have passed on were my grandmothers, both paternal and maternal. My paternal grandmother passed on when I was 20. My maternal, I was around 25, I think. I was close to them, but like most Asian families, there is some kind of barrier between generations. I don't think I had ever had the same kind of bond with my grandparents as I had with Shasta. Or maybe I have just grown up? I am not sure how this grieving process works. I am told that it may take some time.

I think this might be my last post in the Bay Area. I will try posting when I get to Singapore. I am sure I will. However, I will be sending off this blog to the people who know us or have in some way, shape or form had encounters with Shasta. Jessica and I really do not feel like talking much right now. We are more in a reclusive mood right now. I hope you all understand. 

Another 2 more days in the bay area

I have another 2 more days in the Bay Area before I leave for Singapore.

I have very mixed feelings. Even worse than when I left in January.

I want to be with Jessica. I think we will be able to help each other in our healing process.

However, I really do not want to return to our home with Shasta not being there.

I can't imagine how Jessica feels right now with the both of us not around.

I didn't think it would be that hard.

We are 3 days removed from the bad news and I still can't hold a conversation about Shasta without getting upset.

I really never thought it would be that difficult.

I am at Chuck's place till tomorrow. Last night we had a bbq. It was hard. For the last 3-4 years we have been having bbqs, Shasta has always been there. He enjoys bbqs, especially if Uncle Charlie is there (which is like 90% of our bbqs). Uncle Charlie is a messy eater (on purpose) and ALWAYS "drops" food for him. He loves Uncle Charlie at our bbqs. 

I stood to the side and imagined Shasta sitting quietly next to Charlie waiting for him to drop food. That won't be happening anymore.

Our Morning Routine

Posted by Jessica

I slept at around 11pm or so last night and got up at 5am. For those who know me, I am not a morning person…can’t remember when was the last time I got up at 5am. I lay in bed thinking if I should get up. One of my fear/sadness going forward is going to the bathroom in the morning.

Gavin always says that Shasta is a mommy’s boy. There are things that Shasta does with/to me that he does not do with Gavin. Shasta and I have our own bathroom time when I get out of bed. Even though Gavin gets up out bed before I do, Shasta does not get out of his bed to greet Gavin….ok, maybe Shasta has done that 10% of the time with Gavin.

As for me, when I get up of bed, regardless of where Shasta is (be it in the living room or in his bed next to ours), he will get out of his bed and go to the bathroom with me. As I sit down on the toilet bowl, Shasta will greet me by sitting next to me and wait for me to pat and give him a morning kisses. Once he gets his pats and kisses, he will walk out of the bathroom and back to his original spot. He does this with me about 95% of the time.

This morning, I sat there…looking at the spot where he should be…he’s not there.

Man's best friend (Part 2)

I'm sorry if this is gonna sound rude. 

Shasta is not just a pet. Shasta is a dog and thus an animal. But Jessica and I do not see him as such. He is NOT just a pet to us. I understand if people might find it hard to comprehend, but that's just the case.

A friend sent me this link in an e-mail today and I'm not sure if I'm supposed to share it on this blog due to privacy issues, etc. However, I thought it was very thoughtful of him and also spoke tons about Shasta not being just a pet. 

Enjoy the link.

Dogs in Heaven.

Man's best friend

It's the morning of Sunday, May 25, 2008.

Less than 24 hrs ago, I had learnt the news that Shasta was gone.

I don't remember anything close to the last 24 hours in my entire life.

Maybe I have not lost anything that near and dear to me in my entire life.

In the last 24 hrs, I have cried, I have questioned our decisions, I have cried more.

I have wondered, I have hoped (that it was just one big nightmare), I have cried even more.

I think some of you may find it hard to understand. I don't either.

Shasta was just a dog. In my Mom's words... he is a "pet".

For those of you with "pets", especially here in the US. Many a time, your "pet" is not just a "pet". He/she is part of your family.

Shasta was part of our family. A big (literally and figuratively) part.

We referred to him as our "kid". And I think we really meant it.

He didn't know how to talk in human language, but dogs know how to communicate.

He was almost 5 and in dog years, that's almost my age... 35, but he acted like he was a 5 year old kid.

He had one of the best personalities I have ever seen in dogs I have been around.

A big dog that provided a sense of security to those around him (maybe a false sense of security because he is after all kind of a coward).

A dog that would try to lick you after getting a scolding for doing something he was not supposed to do.

Shasta never complained.

He always seemed contented.

When he got out of his crate at the airport freight center in Singapore after spending about 28 hours in his crate. He was just glad to see me. Even if he was upset with us for putting him through that ordeal, he didn't show it. He just kept wagging his tail and licking me.

When we leave town and don't take him with us (cos he is 104 lbs and difficult to smuggle on a flight), when we return, he doesn't complain, he is just glad to see us.

When we return home, here in SF or in Singapore, it didn't matter if we were gone the whole day or just 5-10 mins to go run an errand, he would greet us at the door with his wagging tail. He was just glad to see us.

And we glad to see him.

But I think, at least I, took that for granted... and it's now all gone.

For all the times that I have punished him, it was good for him to learn, but now I feel bad.

The funny thing, unlike human beings, he doesn't take it personal. 2 mins after it is done, he comes up to you to lick you. He never held a grudge.

Shasta was not a dog loving dog. He got on well with some, he didn't get on well with others. I hope he gets on well with the dogs wherever he may be now... 

If there is some after life for dogs, like a doggy heaven or something, hopefully he has Lola there to greet him. He got on well with her.

I have not left the hotel room in 24 hrs. That was not the plan. The plan was to go hang out with Chuck the entire long weekend. It didn't seem like the right thing to do. 

Like Jessica mentioned in one of her posts, I just want to be alone or with Jessica right now. I don't think anyone will understand and I don't expect anyone to. Shasta was our child. We have lost him. I have eaten a nutrition bar and drank a bottle of water in the last 24 hours. It has been weird. I am mourning over an animal. But he was not just any animal. He was Shasta.

Shasta, may you rest in peace. I miss you. I know that everyone keeps reminding us that he led a good life. I know he did. But it was short. Maybe that was better, then you didn't have to suffer the effects of old age. I'm sorry it couldn't have been longer. I'm sorry we were not there at the time you needed us most. I'm sorry.

For those of you who are concerned about us. We will be fine. If you decide to call and I don't feel like talking, please try to understand. I am really in no mood to talk to anyone. I am not going crazy or anything like that. I am just really sad. I never thought I would be this sad when Shasta passes on, maybe it was the last 3 months of hanging out with him almost 24/7. I don't know. Again, we would really appreciate your understanding if we didn't want to talk.

We love you Shasta.

Two crates, Two Dog beds, Two sets of dish bowls...Two lives maybe?

Posted by Jessica
May 25, 11:45 am:
After seeing Shasta's body, my family went for a birthday lunch for my mom. It was solemn. My mom cried at the table. I didn't. I have to put up a front so that she can regain her composure. It got better as we progressed with the lunch. I called Gavin to tell him the plans and how it went.

Gavin sounded really sad. He has extended the hotel stay for another night. He didn't leave the room the entire day. We both want to be alone or with each other at this point...we really don't want to talk to anyone.

Gavin's parents called earlier and mentioned that Shasta was very loved. He was happy during his stay at my Mom's. His Mom told me to not blame my Mom...I have no intentions to blame anyone except myself. My rational, realist side keeps reminding me that Shasta's time was up, nothing could be done to prevent it. That's not a comforting thought but at least it keeps me from crying.

I made plans to meet up with his parents for dinner on Tues.

After lunch, we went back to my Mom's to bring my luggage and Shasta's stuff back to our apt at Dover. I was fighting back tears.

When I stepped into Dover apt, I felt at home. I started to have energy and wanted to unpack my luggage. 1/4 of my luggage is filled with stuff for Shasta. I put them away calmly. Shasta's things were going through my head...he has doubles of many things..two beds, two sets of dish bowls, two crates (one crate is in U-haul storage in SF)...what do we do with his stuff?

I don't know what to do with the items yet but I put them away except for his bed and crate.

I pulled up his bed at his usual spot next to my side of the bed. I put his collar on his bed.

I miss him terribly.

Shasta looked Peaceful

May 25 2008, 10:45am: 

We arrived at the pet hospital. My brothers knew exactly where to go and rang the doorbell of the emergency section. A lady behind the counter buzzed us in. She asked if we are here to see the large black dog. My brother said yes. She led us to the room next door. As she was walking, she asked if he was ran over by car coz he has a broken elbow. I responded calmly, "No, he jumped off the balcony." These words sound so sad and tragic.

She opened the door and there he laid. He was placed on a loading/unloading cart underneath 2 blankets - one white and one blue. Some blood spots seaped through the blanket. His stretched body filled the whole bed of the cart. His right arm was hanging out slightly from the edge of the cart bed. Again, I froze.

I must be standing at the door, looking at his body for quite a few seconds as my brother asked:
"Do you want me to do it?"
"No." I can handle this and I can pull back the blankets on my own.
I went forward right next to Shasta on the cart. I started to cry and pulled back the blankets just enough to see his face and arms. He looked perfect.

His eyes were shut with a little gap. He looked like he was in really deep sleep. I tried to close his eyes entirely but they won't close. Maybe that's how it is, his eyes were never fully closed at times when he slept. He looked really clean and whole. There were some dried up blood from his ears and nose. I took out damp baby wipes and cleaned his face and ears. I want him to be clean and perfect. His body did not show that he fell from the balcony. The lady had mentioned that he probably died of hemorrhage.

I removed his collar and put it in my bag.

I touched my favorite features of shasta - his soft ears. When he was a puppy, I had wished for his ears to grow longer coz I like dogs with floppy ears. Shasta's ears were kind of all over so I always try to "comb" his ears downwards so that they could flop downwards. It did some wonders, his ears were flopped down on some days when they felt like it. While for the rest of his siblings, their ears were pointy and up.

I leaned forward to his ears and whispered, "I'm sorry. I love you." I gave him a kiss. I also told him that he is a good boy. I stroked his chest. When Shasta felt scared, we stroked his chest and he had learnt over the years that the command "settle" means to calm down. I can only guess that he was scared when he realized that there's no flower bed to land his paws. I hoped that he would not be scared anymore.

I left the room the made arrangements for his cremation. The earliest appointment is this Sat, May 31, morning. It takes about 2 to 3 hours for his body to turn into ashes. He is a big dog and thus, his body will be the only one cremated at that time. We can only collect his ashes on Monday. It takes till sat evening for the ashes to cool down entirely.

I asked the lady if I could come back again during the week and she said no, they can't. They have to keep his body in the cold room and it is not good to keep bringing his body in and out of the cold room.
I understand. I thanked her.

I wasn't ready to leave the place...I went back to the room and touched shasta again. His coat was still smooth and soft...maybe because he was kept in a cold room. I felt the rest of his body...it didn't feel like he was dead...he felt the same. The only difference is that he was very still. I think he may have put on some weight too.

Shasta looked peaceful.

A part of me is glad that his cremation is Sat...he is not ashes yet...I can still see his sweet face on Sat one last time...I can still feel him on Sat.

Preparing to see Shasta's Body

Posted by Jessica
May 25 6:15am: I was really tired when I went to bed. I fell asleep really quickly but didn't know why I woke up at 6:15am. I lay in bed till 7am waiting for the sun to rise so that I can see Shasta('s body) sooner. No on was up yet. I didn't want to make much noise and decided to sit on the massaging chair to unwind as I waited. The chair faces out to the other section of the balcony. The balcony is like an "L" shape with a thick base at the bottom of the L. From the living room, I am able to look out to the top part of the "L" shape balcony. If I want to see the bottom of the "L" shape balcony, I will have to step into the balcony to see round the corner.

I was on the chair for about 1 hour...just spacing out...i did get up to make a cup of coffee. I imagined where Shasta would have laid down with me in the living room. Dogs are habitual creatures. Gavin and I pretty much know where shasta will lay down depending on where we are in our own apt.

Example, if Gavin and I are on the couch in the living room, Shasta will be at his bed in front of the TV. If either one of us walk into the bedroom, Shasta will follow the person to the bedroom, find out what the person is doing and then he will return to his bed in the living room. If the second person decides to leave the living room (meaning, no one is in the living room except Shasta), Shasta will then get up and follows the 2nd person.

When I got out of the chair and walked out to the balcony wall...I was looking to see where he would have leaped from. It only took me a second to find the spot. I see his paw prints on one section of the wall...the rest of the same wall does not have his paw prints. I looked across the wall and there are the pigeons on the wall on the other side of the building.

Shasta probably heard the pigeons frequently and wondered what they were. Shasta had jumped over barriers which landed him into a flower bed behind the barriers. We have yelled at him when he did it. But the border collie mix in him has the agility and that's fun to him to jump over barriers. He must have thought that the wall is the same - it has a flower bed for him to land his paws. It didn't.

My second brother came by around 10am and said that he has called the pet hospital and has made an appt for us to see Shasta's body at 10:30. Everyone was up by then and we got changed and headed out.

I told my brother to pick a place for lunch as today is my mom's 66th birthday...it is definitely not a happy one for her and everyone. My family had focused their attention on me but I didn't want to forget about my mom's birthday. Previously, we were thinking about having a BBQ to celebrate her birthday..but we didn't. Someone up there probably already knew that there's not going to be a celebration today and guided us into that decision.

Breaking the news to Gavin

Posted by Jessica
When my family and I arrived at the condo, my first reaction was to take a shower. I wanted some time alone. I has stopped crying. Whenever I start to cry, my mom would cry too and she will keep repeating that she is sorry for not taking better care of Shasta. I have already told her in the car earlier that accidents happen, he is a dog. He is curious about things. Nothing will bring him back.

I didn't want to step onto the balcony just yet. I was not ready. Also, Gavin was going to call me in about 30 mins and I wanted time to think about how to break the news to him. My family was very concerned about how I was and so, taking a shower was the only way that I could be alone.

In the shower, I cried again. I kept repeating these words to Shasta, "I'm sorry."

I got out of the shower feeling better. I am ready to call Gavin and break the news to him. I walked out to the balcony but not to the wall. I just sat down at a teakwood stool and dialed Gavin's no. I don't know what to say yet...and he answered my call.

Whenever Gavin and I are apart, I think our first question is "how are you? or how's your day?" and then followed by "how's shasta?" to the one who is watching over him.

I can't remember if Gavin asked the latter question or not...I only know that I sounded like I was crying when I answered his first question. Then he asked, "why are you crying?"
I said: "I am sorry."
"He jumped?!!" Gavin started to sound hysterical, "Shasta jumped off the balcony?"
"I am sorry." I managed to tell him what happened and all I could hear on the other end is his sobbing. Gavin's hysterical cries and sobbing went on for a long time. I know he mumbled things in his cry but couldn't make out most of them... I did hear his mumbling cry that he hates Singapore, he does not want to come back, why is Shasta so stupid to jump, it is only one more day till I get home...I corrected him to say that it was only a few hours till I get home.

I tried to tell Gavin all the details as I know he feels lost...not knowing exactly what happened. I know he wants details...i told him about the plan to see Shasta's body in the morning. I asked gavin if he wants to see Shasta's body. If he wants to, I will ask them to cremate his body later. Gavin said no, he does not want to see Shasta's body. I told him that we will bring Shasta's ashes back to San Francisco in Aug since we have made plans to make a trip back in Aug.

Around 2am or so, I hung up the phone with Gavin.

I sat on the stool for a while...I keep thinking about what Shasta was thinking or curious about... I stood up and walked over to the balcony wall where Shasta possibly leaped to his death. I feel more empty. I want to touch his fur coat and his ears so badly. I want to rub his ears and whisper to him like I always do before we go to bed.

I went to bed around 3:30am...I can't wait for the morning to come.

Before it all happened...maybe I could have made better decisions?

Posting by Jess:
Gavin is still in the the San Francisco bay area....so I will keep up with the updates on the events since I have returned to Singapore.

Before we were told about Shasta's death
May 24 around 4pm SG time: I was in Narita airport waiting for my flight back to SG. Flight was on time (a little early too) and I got online and chatted with Gavin a little to find out how his day went. I was looking forward to the flight back to SG.
I was excited to see Shasta...I didn't get to kiss him goodbye the day Gav brought him over to my Mom's. I had played it in my head on how excited Shasta will be when he sees me. So I reminded myself that when i see him, I have to make him do a "sit" before I pat him. This helps in reminding him not to jump when he gets excited. Although, I must say that Shasta had been really good coz he probably jumped in excitement less than 10 times in his short life.

On Flight from NRT to SG: I sat next to this gentleman around 50ish of age. We chatted a little and he mentioned that he is a physician with the Navy but he did the career switch when he was 32. He asked if I have an MBA, I said no. I said that if I were to go to grad school, I probably won't get an MBA, I may opt to go to vet school. Over the years in my work life, I have come to realize that I do want to work with pets and have considered taking pet grooming courses or taking classes to be a vet technician coz that seems to be a cheaper and shorter option than going to vet school. The physician said that it is never too late to make a career switch. I sat there thinking about it.

At about the same time that I had this conversation and thinking about vet school on flight, back in Singapore, Shasta had apparently gotten out to the balcony and in less than an hour of being left alone, he probably got curious about the pigeons sitting at the opposite wall. The pigeons made quite a bit of noise.

Arrived in SG airport where both my brothers and mom were present at the Gate
May 25 12:10am: When I first saw my family, I thought to myself that they must have really thought that I bought tons of stuff coz they came in 2 cars to pick me up. My eldest brother came up to greet me first. I looked at his expression and all of their expressions and they all looked sad and troubled.

I asked my eldest bro, "what's wrong? why you look like that?"
"I have bad news."
My first answer, "What happened? Is grandma dead?" My grandma has been fighting for her life for the past year or so but she has gotten much better this year...so that's why I thought her condition worsened suddenly.
"No, Shasta is dead. I'm sorry."
I couldn't believe those words. That can't be. I spoke to my mom the night before the flight and she said Shasta is well....he even laid down on the balcony floor to get some sun on a few occasions. He has been eating well and adapting well. No trouble at all. How did all of this turn so quickly?

I started crying at the airport...my feet were frozen...my mom started to cry and she probably cried louder than I did. My brother told me that my mom left the house at around 4:15ish. She checked all the windows and doors to ensure that Shasta was safe in the apt. The only part that can't be closed entirely is the gap in the sliding door of the balcony. the sliding door has been jammed since they moved in and it has a gap about the size of shasta's paw - one paw. I had seen that gap and tried to push it before. It is tight. Therefore, I didn't think that was a concern.

Shasta had a laid back personality, ie, he was lazy to retrieve a toy if it required to much work. Or, you can also say that he was obedient. Example, if we put him in a room, he would attempt to open the door (by scratching the door) once or twice and then he would sit and wait. He knew that we would open the door for him, eventually, so he waited. When his toy got under the couch and he couldn't get to it coz of his size, he would sit down and start whining till either Gav or me retrieved it for him.

Thus, I thought I knew him well and didn't think that Shasta would attempt to force open the gap in the door... I didn't even think that he would notice the gap as he preferred to hang around humans.

When my brother got back around 5:30ish, he couldn't find Shasta in the apt. My brother must have looked down from the balcony and saw Shasta lying down on the 2nd floor.

From 5:30ish to when my family came to the airport, they had contacted Gavin's parents (my in-laws) and they came by. Gavin's dad drove over and stayed with my mom who has returned to the condo. My eldest brother had contacted for someone at Mount Pleasant Pet Hospital to come by and help to transport Shasta. Gavin's mom walked a long way from the train station to the condo. I am really grateful for such great in laws.

My brother didn't want my mom to see Shasta on the 2nd floor...my mom saw Shasta's body from the 8th floor balcony. She suggested to my brother that there might be hope...Shasta's body was all intact. The bamboo sticks (for drying clothes in the outdoor) of the lower units were sticking out of the windows and that might help to break his fall. My brother said no, there's no hope. My brother got a blanket to wrap up Shasta. There wasn't much blood. there was only blood dripping out from his ears, nose and mouth.

I am not sure how my brother and the hospital person helped to carry shasta's body out of the 2nd floor as it had to go through another corridor window grills. Shasta weighed 104 lb (44 kg) so that's a lot of weight for a single person to carry.

On the drive from the airport to home, I asked my brother if shasta was dead when he found him. He said yes. I was relieved in some sense. Shasta did not have to endure much pain...or maybe he did suffer pain...maybe he was not dead yet but no one knew about it and he died from too much internal bleeding? Maybe this is a sign that our move back to Singapore was a bad decision? Maybe I have been making all the bad decision for us? Maybe I should have given Shasta up to SPCA and this won't have happened? Maybe I should have put Shasta with a petsitter who lives in a house since Shasta does not know what height is? Maybe I shouldn't have adopted Shasta in the first place coz I have failed?

I asked my brother if I could see him. It was late and my brother said he would call at 9am tomorrow, Sunday to make an appt. I waited patiently. The ride home was silent...I don't know what I would do when I step into the apt and Shasta wouldn't be there to greet me with his wagging tail. I don't know.

In loving memory of Shasta (6/6/2003 - 5/24/2008)