The JB Story (Part 2) **this was blogged but never posted**

More than half a year ago, I blogged about JB.

Back then, he had been diagnosed with late stage throat cancer and in the words of the doctor, he was asked to think about his life expectancy "in terms of weeks".

It is more than 6 months later and JB is still alive. He may not necessarily be in the best of health BUT, he is STILL ALIVE.

I have nothing but new found respect for the man. Honestly.

I would seriously treat him as my role model if I were ever to be in the same situation as he is right now.

In fact, I would venture to say that I would put him as the poster boy on "how to lead life when told you are terminally ill".

On Friday, Sept 9, 2011, Jessica and I arrived in Eugene. I was actually hoping that this day would eventually come... where I got a chance to say goodbye to JB. Six months ago, I never expected I would get this chance. One of the first people I asked about, was him. But, all through that Friday and the next day, Saturday, JB did not appear. I wondered and even asked if there was a chance he might just pass on in his room in the basement of the restaurant. Of course there was that possibility, however, on his bad days, someone or other will either see him at some odd hour or knock on his room door. That weekend, he was experiencing a series of bad days. I finally only got to see him late on Saturday night when I had returned to the restaurant to give Karen a ride. His spirit was fine, but I could tell he was not feeling good. But, he was his same old self... talking a bunch of smack when he saw me.

JB's speech is now slurred and his voice is very raspy. He had completely lost his voice several months ago and the doctor put him on some experimental medication that actually helped him regain his voice but, causes swelling. His tongue sometimes swells to the point he can't eat. However, if you ignore all those physical issues, JB is still JB.

I have never ever seen anyone so prepared for his eventual death as JB.

The Singapore Presidential Elections

I wasn't going to write anything about this as I feel very strongly that the Elected President role is a completely useless and redundant role and the money (FOUR MILLION DOLLARS) used to pay that person's salary can be used for a better cause.

However, this morning, an ex-student of mine texted me to ask me whom I was going to be voting for. The text came right after I had just posted on my wall. A post that indicated I had already made my decision. A decision based on a specific event that happened in the last few days. So, for the benefit of those of you who don't follow politics very much, this is how I came to my decision.

When the candidates were first announced, there was only one sure thing. I wouldn't be voting for TT. There are several reasons behind that.

1) He is afterall still from the ruling party. Having submitted his resignation so he could run for the presidency does not mean that he no longer bleeds PAP. He does. He always will. And he is someone who is contented bleeding PAP because they have treated him well. His connection with the PAP does not allow him to perform his role as being a "checks and balances" person objectively.

2) His stand on the ISA. His position, especially (I repeat, ESPECIALLY, as this has the biggest impact on my voting decision) on the 1987 Marxist Conspiracy detentions, is flawed. When asked his stand at a recent forum, he deflected the question and instead answered a whole bunch of generic gibberish. He knows how the ISA is used and it is to his favor and for that, he is definitely NOT getting my vote.

3) His honesty... or rather lack of... He has thus far been unable to come out and state categorically if his son(s) was given preferential treatment during the time he had deferred from National Service and during the time he was supposed to be serving National Service. I would rather the person asking for my vote to be the ceremonial head of state just be honest and say "yes, sorry, it was an oversight" than treat me like an idiot and sweep it under the carpet.

Well, that was the only sure thing. I was not going to vote for TT.

However, splitting the votes among the rest of the candidates was going to be very detrimental as the hard core PAP supporters, probably a good 20-30% of voters, would still be voting for him.

So, as of this morning, I believed I had to convince anyone I know, who is eligible to vote, why I would be voting in this manner.

Next up, TKL.

I don't dislike TKL. I don't like him either.

The problem I had with TKL is that he was the CEO of NTUC Income.

I think NTUC is the biggest scam in this nation's history. It is a gigantic conglomerate business disguised as a union. Maybe with the exception of the first few years of it's existence, NTUC is a union that doesn't speak up for her members instead, it's speaks down to it's members. And it owns every darn business you can possibly think of that competes with local small businesses. Why? Why does a union have businesses in transportation, education, grocery stores, pharmacies, food outlets, financial products and the list goes on? Why?

But, to be fair to TKL, he didn't set it up this way. But, he is part of the biggest scam.

Anyway, he wasn't going to be getting my vote for a much simpler reason. He just doesn't have "it". I consider the "it" as the X factor. Something not as tangible as education or former positions held but more along the intangible lines of charisma and persona. I just don't feel the "it". I would be embarrassed to introduce him as my President. With all due respect to him and his efforts to help the people who had purchased toxic financial products during the 2008 financial crisis, he may be a sweet and wonderful man, but he just lacks the "it".

So, he is not getting my vote either.

Then there is TCB.

My Dad told me he was voting for TCB. The reason... he is a very vocal back bencher. Sounds great. Except that I am not entirely convinced he is not a plant by the ruling party so that we are given an impression that there are also opposing voices within the ruling party. But that alone was not a good enough reason not to be voting for him.

The bigger reason came at the forum where they were asked about the 1987 Marxist Conspiracy. His answer was so non-committal, I was disgusted. The 1987 Marxist Conspiracy was not just an arrest of 22 individuals, it was an outright attack on the Catholic Church in Singapore. And as a Catholic, if TCB cannot stand up for the persecution of his religion, then, I don't think he is worthy of representing me as the Head of State... GOD BEFORE COUNTRY. And I am not a very religious person... but to favor the unwarranted arrest of 22 individuals using the Catholic faith as a reason over saying nothing is just unacceptable.

But honestly, he was still in the running up until this morning.

Then there is TJS.

I have a fear about voting for him.

I am not entirely convinced he is good for this country.

He is too confrontational. He is too combative. These might be counter productive in trying to unite a nation.

I also hear not so nice things about him.

So honestly, up until this morning, I was torn between TCB and TJS.

Late yesterday and early this morning, cyberworld has been ablaze with accusations at HDB and PA. It all started with new MP for Aljunied GRC CSM posting a picture of an invitation card retracting an invitation made to him to attend a Chinese 7th Month celebration. The reason for the retract was that the organizers were told that if they invited their MP, they would not be allowed to rent the space for the event. This is honestly a downright stupid request. What if they invite the person who is their MP but NOT in the capacity of an MP? Anyway, the WP has since discovered that the leases on 26 pieces of property in their constituency were recently taken over by PA (supposedly non-partisan). PA, the new lessors of these properties, in their rules and regulations, prohibit these places to be used for political activities. So, how is inviting an MP to a 7th Month celebration a political activity? How did a 7th month celebration with an MP in attendance go from one with ghostly implications to one with political implications? And why is PA making such decisions? The blurring of lines between HDB, CCC, RC, PA, NTUC, SPF, MRT, is just another scam that should be eliminated.

That said, I am still not convinced that TJS is the right person for this job.

Honestly, I am not convinced that any of the 4 candidates are the right people for this job.

But since I do not have a choice AND, I don't believe in spoiling my vote, come Saturday, Aug 27, I will be casting my PROTEST VOTE, a vote for TJS, the only person who IS (since I don't believe resignation means no more alliances) from the opposition.

A protest on the way this country is governed.

A protest against the ISA.

A protest on bullying tactics from the ruling party.

A protest that those elitist people are still not listening despite their lip service about the citizens coming first.

DO NOT spoil your vote.

If you are one of the 40%. TJS was your 40%, continue in the same direction.

If you are one of the 60%, it's time to contemplate. The government has already been formed. There is no fear that the country will collapse in the next 5 years (that's what many of the 60% think anyway, should there be an opposition run government), so, if you are dissatisfied with anything the government has done, it's time to show it, on this mostly ceremonial position. It will barely have an impact on your wealth (or the lack of it). Don't take the middle road by voting TCB or TKL. State your dissatisfaction by voting TJS. Why go halfway? Go all the way...

Singapore's National Day

We have been back for nearly 3 years.
Sadly, I will definitely list this as the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life.
I am no closer to getting adjusted to this place.
In fact, I hate most of the things this place has to offer... and I was born here.
Yes, it's sad.

This country is far from the place I remembered growing up in.
Today, I read an article and that prompted me to return to this blog that I have so often neglected.

The article, "Has Singapore become a nation without a soul?" just somehow resonated with me.

The answer, I feel, is... yes (no surprise to those of you who frequently hear my bitching and whining I guess). A very, very big YES.

There are some things that cannot be changed, like the weather. If that was the only thing I had to deal with, I think I would have been fine.
There are other things that can. And they were either ignored or intentionally not changed.
Tomorrow, Aug 9, marks Singapore's 46th National Day (aka Independence Day to the Americans). It carries practically no meaning to me.
It is more of a communistic display of what the leaders of this country want to portray to the rest of the world, if they are even watching. It is a complete propaganda effort by the leaders of the country told though the eyes of a completely bias state-controlled media.
Tomorrow, they will be a parade, a parade of extravagant proportion. A parade that I, at 15 years of age took part in. I was once really proud to be a Singaporean. And together with me, taking part in the parade, were others who were also really proud to be Singaporeans. Today, I really couldn't care less if they decided to kick me out of this country... and the sad part is... many of my childhood friends feel the same.

This country has lost its soul because it has failed to create an identity citizens can be proud of.
This country has lost its soul because her own citizens do no feel they belong.
This country has lost its soul because the same government that so craved for control over its citizens have neglected the fact that with the control also comes the responsibility of looking after the citizens.
This country has lost its soul because the leaders have forgotten that they are here to serve.
This country has lost its soul because her leaders have left the rest of the country behind while they create an enormous business that benefits only themselves and a minority of others.
This country has lost its soul because the people supposed to lead this country have sold out, to cheaper labor, to foreign businesses (who NEED to manage the bottom line by using cheaper labor), to short term goals and to short-sightedness in governance.
This country has lost its soul because of the arrogance of those who lead.
This country has lost its soul because of empty promises, made election after election after election, only to be forsaken because of the forgetfulness (or possibly, forgiving nature) of the electorate.

This country has plain lost it's soul. Sad, but true.

The Singapore General Elections (Part 3)

Dear Singaporean friends, (sorry to my American friends who read this blog, but unfortunately, the next few days do not affect you, possibly.)

It's 2 days to polling day.

Some of you are PAP supporters, others, opposition party supporters. It doesn't matter, it is YOUR right to support either side.

It is your right, that on polling day, you cast your vote.

For those who are either too young to vote or cannot vote because you are out of the country. Your voice matters too.

In a conversation with a too-young-to-vote person a few days ago, he told me his views on some issues. But he left off by saying but it didn't matter because he couldn't vote. That is not true, I told him. I told him that his thoughts on these matters were relevant and valid and his voice could be counted by way of his parents, relatives and friends. So, he should state his point of view. In an educated society like Singapore, we should have matured enough to listen to opposing point of views. It does not matter if you disagree with the speaker, it is still their point of view. To this person, I also told him that his parents had provided him with an education and hopefully, this education had enabled him to form an opinion on certain issues. It would be sad if all the education had provided was the ability to excel in CounterStrike and listen to Justin Bieber.

So, to those who are unable to vote for some reason or other, your voice matters too.

For those who can vote and are either not going to vote or planning to spoil your vote... think again.

Even if you are politically apathetic, this is your one chance to say "Yes, I like things the way they are." OR "No, I would like to see some changes." Either way, I believe this might be the one year that EVERY VOTE COUNTS.

But, if you still decide not to vote, do remember that you have effectively lost your right to bitch and whine about the government, regardless of who gets voted in and regardless of party affiliation.

So, please vote.

Next, to those people who are want to vote for the opposition but are still having issues about secrecy. YOUR VOTE IS SECRET!!

Yes, your vote has a serial number. Yes, there is going to be someone yelling out your name and I/C number. It doesn't matter. Those are actually to protect against YOU voting in place of your elderly parent OR your parent voting in place of YOU.

Unless you need physical help, you will be in the voting booth alone.

You mark the box you wish to mark and then you fold your ballot and drop it into the ballot box.

At the end of balloting, the ballot box is sealed and transported to a counting center.

At the counting center, the ballots are counted and tabulated.

Writing equipment is NOT allowed at the counting center.

So, unless the counter has photographic memory, no recording of serial numbers and who they voted for can possibly take place.

Once the votes are all counted and if there are no disputes and challenges, the ballot box is re-sealed and SEALED (with those burn and seal thingys).

The sealed ballot boxes are then transported to the High Court (I think, but whatever the case, some government building) where it will be stored for 6 months and then finally, your ballot is cremated.

So, tell your friends and relatives, your vote is secret. Vote wisely.

The Singapore General Elections (Part 2)

So, LHL has apologized. Whether you believe it is sincere, or just an election tactic, it is up to you.

So, George Yeo has come up with an "appeal" video. From the reaction on Facebook last night, especially with the younger generation, I think that has made somewhat of an impact. Same with LHL's apology, whether you believe it is sincere or just another election tactic, it is up to you.

I, though, have several important questions to ask LHL. But he will never get to hear them, since this blog is not famous. But for you who indulge me by reading this, you might have an avenue to ask him these questions.

1) Why are there the Minister Mentor and Senior Minister positions?

If it is to help guide the Prime Minister, then maybe we should be seriously considering WHO should be PM.

2) Why is a $15,000 per month salaried job not a full time job?

The MEDIAN income in Singapore is less than $4,000 per month. I bet more than half of Singapore would be willing to take this job for 30% less and work 100% more.

3) If he believes that this country is built on meritocracy, why is there a GRC system? People who have ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERIENCE IN GOVERNANCE, get ushered into the status of MPs while riding on the coat-tails of others.

Speaking on the topic of GRCs, let me speak a little more about George Yeo.

By all accounts, George Yeo is a decent person. In politics, he is not as disliked as some of his other colleagues. I agree that it will be a pity if his team loses to the Workers' Party team in Aljunied GRC (because he will be lost, I don't really care about the rest of his team.) But all that said, he is a victim of his own party's practices to unlevel the playing field. Many years ago, the GRC was set up because opposition parties had difficulty finding more than one or two credible candidates. Then they were expanded because the opposition parties could find one or two, or maybe even three credible candidates. Now, that several opposition parties have fielded even up to four or five credible candidates, the playing field is finally level (at least to overcome the implementation of GRCs).

I am sure that if George Yeo stood on his own ticket (NO GRCs), he would either go uncontested or win by a comfortable margin. Unfortunately, he has been put in a GRC, strengthened by a second cabinet member, Lim Hwee Hua (who really ought to shut up about Low Thia Khiang producing Hougang Town Council's books till Vivian Balakrishnan produces YOG's books) and a senior minister of state, only still to potentially lose to a VERY strong Workers' Party team. I have 2 thoughts on that. Either the PAP thought it was too strong a team to lose OR that was the PAP's way of showing him the way out. Whatever the case, George Yeo should look within his party for the reasons.

I, personally, can envision a parliament that included George Yeo, Low Thia Khiang, Sylvia Lim, Chen Show Mao and Pritam Singh. But, I guess in the playing field the PAP has created, it is not going to be possible. Too bad George!

By the way, I have still not bought LHL's apology.

The Singapore General Elections

Let me first state a big disclaimer. And it is huge.

I am not anti-Singapore and pro-US style of government. The US style of government takes 10 years to build ONE additional lane for Highway 101 in California. The Singapore style of government takes one year to built a high rise block of flats/apartments. There are pros and cons and definitely, the Singapore style of government wins hands down over the US style of government in efficiency.

The problem with the Singapore style of government is that it is too autocratic. It is soooo autocratic to the point there is no more accountability to the voters.

I am anti-non accountability.

I am anti-no freedom of expression.

I am anti-oppression.

I am anti-suppression.

I am anti-politics by fear.

I am anti-lip service.

I am anti-anticompetition.

I am anti-unfairness toward opponents.

Unfortunately, the PAP happens to fall under all these categories.

Who knows if the opposition parties, once elected, will be doing the same. I don't. But it's worth a try, isn't it?

I am NOT anti-PAP if I had some indications that they were willing to listen to the voters and make changes as needed.

However, all I have heard is that, we, the voters are sinners. We don't know what we are asking for. We don't know accounting and budgeting. We don't know how lucky we are to have the PAP government. We are too dumb to manage our retire funds. We are not smart enough to understand why public transportation and public housing are "private". All these things DO NOT sit well with me.

So, as much as everyone else would classify me as anti-PAP, anti-government, anti-establishment. I believe I am fairly objective till trust is displaced, which is the case now.

Anyhow, I don't really give a shit whether people think I am anti-government or not. I just believe that Singapore and Singaporeans will benefit from a government that truly serves, is accountable to the citizens and plays fair politics.

So, since my friends have claimed they don't blog, here is a collection of "comments" from posts that I have made on Facebook regarding these elections.

Enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On April 22, 2011, in response to a post on Singapore Democratic Party introducing Teo Soh Lung as one of their candidates.

"I thought this only happens elsewhere. we students should learn Singapore history in school. the real one that is."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On April 26, 2011, in response to this post (MrBrown's response to TNP's "Is Singapore ready for a gay MP" insinuated by PAP's Vivian Balakrishnan)

"Oh wow ... it's a new low indeed ... BTW, the supposedly flashy & splashy YOG that S'pore hosted last year ... yawn yawn, no newspaper, TV or press covered nor mentioned it much (at least those I read & I read alot) in Europe or U.S.A. except S'pore papers ... how come nobody outside S'pore bothered when it's so important ... hmm ... unless it's not at all"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

On May 1, 2011, in a post on SDP's candidate Tan Jee Say's reply to PAP's candidate Goh Chok Tong's personal attack.

"I may not agree with Tan See Say's proposal for a big shift towards services & total hallowing out of manufacturing ... but we as citizens & more importantly political leaders (especially from PAP) must graciously learn how to agree to disagree ... and refrain from personal attacks unrelated to the policies/proposals disagreement at hand!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

On May 2, 2011, in a post that TNP's editor stood by their fairy tale that Dr Chee Soon Juan tried to start a "protest march". I have additional comments on this as I WAS THERE. Dr CSJ walked into the crowd to be garlanded by a supporter. His party members (the SDP candidates) decided against allowing the supporter to garland him on stage. He walked to the supporter. I was standing less than 10 meters from where it happened. There was NO protest march. Think about it, what would he be protesting about at is own party's rally?

"The TNP Editor is probably hoping to be a future MP... :-)"

"The TNP is read mostly by teenagers & young adults (*excluding those football fans that buy for the post EPL pics etc) ... It is not important about what TNP reported as it's a super duper lightweight newspaper that I would not even use as wrapper for dog poo ... it is because of what TNP reported that ST and other MSM can cite the TNP report ... without being seen as irrelevant themselves !"

"This is not a joke anymore....Dr Chee should sue TNP...."

------------------------------------------------------------------------

On May 2, 2011, in a post of a blog on why the opposition should be voted in.

"Nicely written article. A strong opposition showing would certainly go a long way to helping our Ministers out of their Greater-than-Thou mindset. But the sad thing is that I think this is not so much an individual trait as it is a cultur...e that is propagated and sustained by the PAP philosophy and internal system. Essentially, what I mean is that people who join the PAP may have gone in with good intentions in the beginning, but over time, they get sucked into the PAP machinery that churns out these "God-like" creatures. As Minister (and at more or less the pinnacle of the PAP hierarchy), underlings are hanging on your every word. They constantly nod in agreement. Everyone is saying "brilliant" and "good idea" when you open your mouth. They stand up when you walk into the room. They shut down the lift for you so that you don't even have to wait when you arrive at the lift lobby. You always have a reserved carpark wherever you go. Over time, you really start to believe you're THAT amazing, brilliant and always right (which is why LKY, GCT, etc. probably see nothing wrong with the audacious statements they have been making). The PAP needs to take a hard, long look at themselves and fix their internal values system. But if there is a "confidence vote" in their favor this election, that's never going to happen."

"Actually in the financial markets, a consensus is somewhat forming that the best outcome is Base Case: (1) PAP loses 1-2 GRC & 1-3 SMC (most likely); Bad Case: (2) PAP loses 3-4 GRC & 4-5 SMC (unlikely); Worst Case: (3) PAP wins 87-0 (ugly... black swan!) .... Surprise ... Surprise ... the markets are the best sub-conscious reflection of unspoken fear & greed as always .... and why outcome (3) is the worst despite a PAP clean-sweep .... becos' the fear of the markets is of a new "unknown-unknown" where Singapore society becomes divided & alot of unhappiness will go underground if the outlet does not appear & can explode in the most ugly fashion. All these market opinions are not circulated/distributed widely as no analyst/strategist/financial institution will want to be consigned to the 'sin-bin' for stating them but trades are already done / prepared for the above ... 9 May will be where the markets vote with money & this is perhaps more important than actual polling day of 7 May!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you or anyone you know will be voting come May 7, and that you or that someone may want to vote in some checks and balances into the Singapore parliament, but are still facing some obstacles, primarily FEAR. Please watch the video below. Vote wisely.

Before it's too late...

For those of you who think death is morbid, AND, don't like to talk about it. You might just want to stop reading right now. Actually, maybe not. Maybe YOU are the ones who really need to read on.

I'm not afraid to die. At least that's what I think.
I didn't say I am not afraid of death. I said: "I am not afraid to die."
I am terrified of death. I absolutely detest hospitals and completely hate wakes and funerals.
I've had my fair share of visiting hospitals and attending wakes and funerals though, but the dislike for them never seems to diminish.

About six months ago, Jessica's cousin, who was in his 30s tragically passed on, in a work related accident. There are truly no words that can describe the passing on of a 30 some year old person. During his wake, we were playing cards one night to while away the night. Jessica had just told me she was going to the car to nap. Not even five minutes later, we heard a loud bang, almost like a car crash. Most of our cars were parked illegally and the first thought that came to my mind was that someone had crashed into one of our cars. I was worried about Jessica. The people I was playing cards with, all got up to check out what the loud sound was but they only walked along a path and stopped when they saw a few cats scattering away. With my mind on Jessica's safety and still thinking it was a car crash, I continued in the direction of the car.
But, before I reached the car...
That's when I saw her legs. I panicked and ran back towards the rest of the people at the wake. I never saw her face. I am glad I never saw her face.
From what I know, she was a 16 year old girl who had just jumped from the building next to where Jessica's cousin's wake was being held. The loud sound and the vision I witnessed still play very clearly in mind. I do not know what drives people to do this. I am terrified of death.

But, that's not why I am writing this post today.
This post acknowledges we are all going to die someday... it's the before, the celebration of life, that I am going to talk about.

Back in 1992, when I started working for Kowloon Restaurant in Eugene, Oregon. I got to meet this man named James Burke. He was the dishwasher for the restaurant. A scruffy odd dude. He seemed to constantly be in a bad mood. He was always yelling at the cooks and at the waitresses, somewhat like Gordon Ramsey (Hell's Kitchen fame). Except that Gordon Ramsey is an executive chef and James was... a dishwasher. Not very likeable person, I remember thinking back then.
James, unlike everyone else who was not a minor, rarely drank at the bar after he got off work. I did wonder why and soon found out that our boss, the owner, had banned him from drinking at the bar because he would get unruly whenever he got drunk, which was almost every time he drank. Gosh, this guy is truly a piece of work, I thought.

During my first year or so working there, I never got to see him drunk. He was still loud and rude to the kitchen and wait staff but I never saw him drunk. He was friendly to me. I remember him telling me that he had visited Singapore when he was in the Navy and they made one of their port calls there. I had also learnt that he was actually resident to the restaurant. The restaurant had a basement with offices/rooms and one of those rooms was converted into living quarters for him. I had also met his Mother, who was a really nice, gentle and soft spoken lady, very much unlike him. Back then, to me, he seemed like that deliquent child whose mother absolutely loved him, but couldn't control him and therefore was left to "foster" him out....

One night, several years after I first got to know him, someone told me that James had returned to the restaurant and was absolutely drunk. I remember it was a Friday night, I was working in the bar that night and it was absolutely packed in the bar. I had a very short conversation with him advising him to go to his room, but he kept blabbering on about someone attacking him and they were outside and he was gonna get them back. I partially ignored his blabbering and again told him to go back to his room. I also sent a bouncer to the parking lot to check if there was anyone "waiting" there for James. The bouncer returned to say that there was no one in the parking lot. I thought no more of it as James had proceeded down to his room. Not a few minutes later, I was summoned by the bouncers.
James had re-emerged from the dungeons with an axe!! No, I am not kidding... a real axe.
I honestly had no idea what to do. Dave, the head bartender at that time, and I, tried talking him into giving up the axe but he wouldn't let go of it. We both finally convinced him to return to his room... axe still in hand. While he was in his room, the bouncers and I tried to find a way to secure his door so he couldn't leave his room and the commotion that followed when he discovered he couldn't open his door.... it was indescribable. I half expected him to axe down the wall and come flying through it. I remember thinking to myself that if he grew tired of chopping up his room, he would lay down and go to bed and tomorrow, it would all be fine. Any other scenario, especially that of him leaving the room, would be horribly ugly. The commotion went on for what seemed like forever but eventually, my prayers were answered and the banging and chopping stopped, the door and wall were still intact... and that incident led to a ban from drinking forever, not only at the bar where we worked and also not at any other bar in town.
This post could possibly continue to be interesting but it does not get more interesting. It does not get more interesting because James, when sober, actually thinks normally. And he kept to his ban on drinking, for the most part... enough so there were no more "interesting" incidents.

I got to know James a lot better when I had the closing shift. From 1995 to 1997, I had to close the restaurant and bar. Especially in the winter, things could get boring after 9pm and we only closed at midnight. It was during those 2 years that I began to "understand" James a lot better. He was in his 30's but had the mind of a teen (oftentimes thinking and talking about sex, strip bars and strippers). He was in his 30's but craved for the attention of a 5 year old. He was in his 30's but had the innocence of a baby. He was in his 30's but never acted his age. He did not have a single mean bone in his body, when he was sober. He seldom harbored ill feelings in his heart. He acted tough only because he was attention seeking. He ACTED, only because he was attention seeking and didn't know how else to get attention. He was actually a kid in a man's body. He would go out of his way to help you out. In fact, his helpfulness was sometimes deemed as unwanted attention, especially by the teen girls that used to wait tables at the restaurant. He was just helpful. To those teen girls, if he had offered to shelter you to your car because it was raining, he would do it for me too. It was just him. He offered to walk you to you car after your shift not because he was hoping to jump into your pants the moment you opened your car door... he did it because it was the gentlemanly thing to do. For everyone who though ill of his actions, you should be ashamed of yourselves.

After I left Eugene, I continued to visit, especially during the college football season. Every visit, when we finally landed up at the restaurant or bar, James and I talked as if I had just left my shift last night and was coming to work the next morning. He was never a Duck because... he was attention seeking. But, I bet, in his heart, he IS a Duck. He was always a Beaver because... he was attention seeking. He was an avid Minnesota Viking fan because... you get it, he was attention seeking. Why? Because it is not common to be a Viking fan when you live in the Pacific Northwest. If you are not a Seahawk fan, then you probably support one of the California teams or one of the more "successful" teams, like the Cowboys or the Packers. If you are a Viking fan, you are bound to get attention, negative attention somewhat, but still attention in general and that is what he craved.

James acted tough. But, he would not even harm an ant. He used to threaten his landlords' (aka the owners and his "foster parents") cat, saying that he would shoot it, kill it, whatever. But he truly absolutely loved all their animals, cats, dogs and all. He talks a lot about harming people and animals but he really doesn't have that in him. In his younger days, he also used to talk about harming this person and that person in the kitchen. He has NEVER laid a finger on anyone in the kitchen/restaurant/bar. Tough talk is another method of garnering the attention he desires. He is but harmless.

Fast forward to two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, when I spoke to Mr Landlord, I was informed that James had gone to the doctor's for a check up. White spots were discovered in his x-ray, whatever the hell that means.
Three days ago, I spoke to a friend in Eugene and he told me that he had just spoken to Mr Landlord. James has been diagnosed with throat cancer in a very advanced stage. His only chance of recovery is to remove his voicebox. And that too isn't 100% as the doctor does not know how much the cancer has spread.
James turned down removing his voice box and has been given 2 months to live.

In the beginning of this post, I said I was not afraid to die. This next portion is a real lesson on what it means to not be afraid to die.
In the last 10 days, James has planned his last days with the people who will be setting up hospice care at his mother's home. And true to his spirit, he even commented that the nurse who will most likely be looking after him, is cute. James has been baptised. James has gone through his belongings and has stated how they are to be distributed. James has gone to the bank to ensure that titleship is ammended to ensure continuity. James has apologized to Mrs Landlord for all the trouble he has caused. According to Mrs Landlord, he seems at peace with what the future holds for him. He seems as though he has accepted the news and is ready to move on. It seems as though he "is not afraid to die".

I have 2 regrets. One, I do not have any pictures to post. I can't seem to find them. Two, I won't get a chance to say goodbye to him, should he really only be around for only 2 more months.

James, also known as JB to many of you who will be reading this, we all know will be going off to a better place. Ever since I found out about this, I have prayed every night that he will get better. However, that is not my choice. So, I pray that if He decides to take him on a different journey, may JB's last days on earth be happy and free of any pain. At the moment, JB is not on any painkillers and says he is not in any pain. I pray it remains that way and that he will begin his next journey... peacefully. I also pray that when I say I am not afraid to die, I will be able to handle it with the strength that JB has shown. JB is 49 years old.

(**I have been soliciting photos to add to this post. I will add them as I get them. If you have photos and don't mind sharing them, please feel free to email them to me.)

And what is Life? An hour-glass on the run,
A mist retreating from the morning sun,
A busy, bustling, still-repeated dream.
Its length? A minute's pause, a moment's thought.
And Happiness? A bubble on the stream,
That in the act of seizing shrinks to nought.

And what is Hope? The puffing gale of morn,
That of its charms divests the dewy lawn,
And robs each flow'ret of its gem—and dies;
A cobweb, hiding disappointment's thorn,
Which stings more keenly through the thin disguise.

And what is Death? Is still the cause unfound?
That dark mysterious name of horrid sound?
A long and lingering sleep the weary crave.
And Peace? Where can its happiness abound?
Nowhere at all, save heaven and the grave.

Then what is Life? When stripped of its disguise,
A thing to be desired it cannot be;
Since everything that meets our foolish eyes
Gives proof sufficient of its vanity.
'Tis but a trial all must undergo,
To teach unthankful mortals how to prize
That happiness vain man's denied to know,
Until he's called to claim it in the skies.
(John Clare)

Our ME weekend

Yes, I promised to update this blog, but... ya know... the list of excuses just runs on... lazy, busy, nothing interesting to write about, yada, yada, yada...

But, after this past weekend, I decided I had to post...

No, the post title does not have any grammatical errors. ME stands for Marriage Encounter.
No, our marriage is not suffering from any major problems. Contrary to popular belief, ME is NOT for couples with huge problems in their marriage. In fact, the statement made towards the end of the weekend sums it all up. "ME is for couples with good marriages to make them great marriages."

To be honest, if Jessica had approached me to attend ME, I would most likely have been reluctant. And she probably knew that too. So, she went ahead and made arrangements for this ME weekend without really telling me anything except that we were going to be busy. She told me this probably 4-6 weeks ago. Hmmmm, I thought, nice, a surprise vacation.... I wonder where to? I tried digging more info out of her as the weeks passed but she just wouldn't say. I fantasized about Phuket, Koh Samui, Bali... hahaha!! I actually didn't. I kinda wanted to be surprised.

Then reality set in when she said we were not gonna need our passports. Now, I was bothered. She knew how much I hated staycations. This freaking island is so small, why pay good money to sleep in a hotel. I've had my share of staying in hotels and if we are still on this damn island, I am NOT staying in a hotel. But, I had some faith that she knew that and wouldn't force me to do that... so, my ideas of where we were gonna be for the entire weekend started diminishing quite a bit... I did have one thought, and it also did not thrill me... I guess she might have signed us up for some religious retreat weekend. Jessica being a newly baptised Catholic would see such an activity as new and exciting. Me, being a cradle Catholic, have had my fair share of weekend retreats and.... wasn't too thrilled. But she denied it was anything religious based. So, I was still left wondering...

Friday, February 11, 2011. We packed, but it was not to go to a hotel, cos we had to bring our own towels. soap. etc. It was not a weekend by the beach, cos we didn't bring any beach wear. Where on earth were we going?

She didn't allow me to drive.

But she had to use the GPS... that meant she was not familiar with the location. That made it even all the more puzzling.

And then she took the Seletar Expressway and I peeked at the distance to destination on the GPS and suddenly, I felt a little dismayed. The general area she was headed to was home to a seminary and a place used for retreats. She still insisted it was not religious based.

15 minutes later, we were at Punggol Seventeeth Avenue... the only thing I was not fully aware of was, that the place I knew of that was used for retreats, it is actually also known as ME House. The ME group runs and operates the place but since ME is only conducted once a month, the rest of the time, it is rented (to use the term loosely) to anyone else in need of a stay-in location.

Even though a little disappointed, as we pulled in to the parking lot, I decided that I was going to enter this weekend with an open mind and not pre-judge or anticipate how this weekend would unfold. To be extremely honest, this parking lot decision might have actually been one of my wisest decisions in a very, very long time.

The first session of this ME weekend started at 8pm and when we introduced ourselves, we mentioned the "surprise" weekend for me. Apparently, in 30 over years and 372 sessions of ME, I am the first person that has ever attended the ME weekend as a surprise. So, there you go, my claim to fame!!!

The weekend was packed with activity from 8pm that Friday night, waking up at 6am Saturday morning and pretty much running all the way through till 10pm Saturday night with a 12pm - 3pm siesta and then 8am Sunday morning all the way till almost 6pm Sunday evening.
Here's the sad part. We sort of made a vow not to disclose what we did during that time. Or, at least not the details of the activities. But here's what I can share...

(1) It's YOU and YOUR SPOUSE. That's what the weekend is for. For those who are afraid you may have to spill all your beans in front of others... there is no such thing. There were 3 volunteer couples, couples who have been through ME and have come back to volunteer and they are the ones doing the sharing (they are also specially trained to share), together with the Catholic priest (more on that later) chosen to lead that particular weekend.

(2) If you think this is a marriage counseling session. It is not. There is no counseling involved. There is plenty of communication between spouses and you are pretty much left to sort it out yourselves (thus, this is why I believe the statement I made in the beginning is absolutely accurate, this is for good marriages to be even better.). Honestly, I am not too sure what happens if the both of you are unable to communicate and no solution/agreement/consensus is reached. I guess you could always request a separate counseling session but honest to God, no counseling takes place there.

AND
(3) I am absolutely serious. This is NOT for troubled marriages. This is NOT a quick fix weekend. And if you are stubborn and you refuse to attend with an open mind, then don't waste your time. This is not a weekend specially for couples married for a long time. The couples at our ME weekend ranged from 2 years to 52 years. We were the second "youngest" at slightly over 3 years.

Simply put, this is a weekend to improve the communication skills you have with your spouse. And to do it with love. The same love that drove the 2 of us (and you) to get married however many years ago.

Over this weekend, I learnt several key things.
Marriage, almost like a job you have had for many years, can become mundane. You get to know the drill. You get to know the shortcuts. You get to know the other's likes and dislikes and your actions may at times be guided (or misguided) by such knowledge. You start going through the motion, much like a government employee (yes, I did that on purpose). There is no real purpose. And all this leads to taking your spouse for granted... similar to the proverbial "iron rice bowl".

When one understands his/her spouse better, instinctively, words and actions may be "catered" to the spouse. So, one starts telling their spouse only what they think their spouse should hear, assuming that the info (or action) they exclude will draw a whole bunch of emotions they don't want to deal with. This assumption, is but, an assumption.

Most importantly, just when I thought I had all the skills in the world (afterall, I have taught listening and communicaton skill classes before) to deal with misunderstandings and conflict, I learnt yet another communication skills tool. I will honesty say I am not too sure this new skill will work with everyone, but what does?

This past weekend, I believe I rediscovered Jessica. Not that I had really lost her. I believe, we had just become caught up in the world around us.

I am usually a skeptic. And for me to be sold on anything, it has to be almost flawless. The funny thing is that this ME program is not even very complex. In fact, it is so simplistic that it would be diffcult to have flaws. I am sold on the program because I believe it enhanced our marriage infinitely. But, truthfully, it is not the program. It is us. The program merely acts as a catalyst. And therefore, anyone reading this, I strongly encourage attending a ME weekend. ME is held in many (I think they said something like 80) countries around the world. BUT, only do so if you LOVE your spouse and are open to communicating freely with them.

One last note. The Marriage Encounter program IS somewhat religious based. It is run by the Catholic church in most countries. There is a small (and yes, I do mean small) focus on God in a marriage. In singapore, the lead is always a Catholic priest and I think likewise in the US. That being said, our ME weekend had 3 couples (out of 13) who were not Catholics. I actually spoke with them because I was curious if this program was skewed (to use this word loosely) too much to Catholicism. In a way, I felt it was. But, surprisingly, they said no. In fact, they were recommended to attend by non-Catholic friends of theirs. But, they made a very valid point. If you are non-Catholic, you really have to attend with an open mind, with the understanding that this weekend is about YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.