Our ME weekend

Yes, I promised to update this blog, but... ya know... the list of excuses just runs on... lazy, busy, nothing interesting to write about, yada, yada, yada...

But, after this past weekend, I decided I had to post...

No, the post title does not have any grammatical errors. ME stands for Marriage Encounter.
No, our marriage is not suffering from any major problems. Contrary to popular belief, ME is NOT for couples with huge problems in their marriage. In fact, the statement made towards the end of the weekend sums it all up. "ME is for couples with good marriages to make them great marriages."

To be honest, if Jessica had approached me to attend ME, I would most likely have been reluctant. And she probably knew that too. So, she went ahead and made arrangements for this ME weekend without really telling me anything except that we were going to be busy. She told me this probably 4-6 weeks ago. Hmmmm, I thought, nice, a surprise vacation.... I wonder where to? I tried digging more info out of her as the weeks passed but she just wouldn't say. I fantasized about Phuket, Koh Samui, Bali... hahaha!! I actually didn't. I kinda wanted to be surprised.

Then reality set in when she said we were not gonna need our passports. Now, I was bothered. She knew how much I hated staycations. This freaking island is so small, why pay good money to sleep in a hotel. I've had my share of staying in hotels and if we are still on this damn island, I am NOT staying in a hotel. But, I had some faith that she knew that and wouldn't force me to do that... so, my ideas of where we were gonna be for the entire weekend started diminishing quite a bit... I did have one thought, and it also did not thrill me... I guess she might have signed us up for some religious retreat weekend. Jessica being a newly baptised Catholic would see such an activity as new and exciting. Me, being a cradle Catholic, have had my fair share of weekend retreats and.... wasn't too thrilled. But she denied it was anything religious based. So, I was still left wondering...

Friday, February 11, 2011. We packed, but it was not to go to a hotel, cos we had to bring our own towels. soap. etc. It was not a weekend by the beach, cos we didn't bring any beach wear. Where on earth were we going?

She didn't allow me to drive.

But she had to use the GPS... that meant she was not familiar with the location. That made it even all the more puzzling.

And then she took the Seletar Expressway and I peeked at the distance to destination on the GPS and suddenly, I felt a little dismayed. The general area she was headed to was home to a seminary and a place used for retreats. She still insisted it was not religious based.

15 minutes later, we were at Punggol Seventeeth Avenue... the only thing I was not fully aware of was, that the place I knew of that was used for retreats, it is actually also known as ME House. The ME group runs and operates the place but since ME is only conducted once a month, the rest of the time, it is rented (to use the term loosely) to anyone else in need of a stay-in location.

Even though a little disappointed, as we pulled in to the parking lot, I decided that I was going to enter this weekend with an open mind and not pre-judge or anticipate how this weekend would unfold. To be extremely honest, this parking lot decision might have actually been one of my wisest decisions in a very, very long time.

The first session of this ME weekend started at 8pm and when we introduced ourselves, we mentioned the "surprise" weekend for me. Apparently, in 30 over years and 372 sessions of ME, I am the first person that has ever attended the ME weekend as a surprise. So, there you go, my claim to fame!!!

The weekend was packed with activity from 8pm that Friday night, waking up at 6am Saturday morning and pretty much running all the way through till 10pm Saturday night with a 12pm - 3pm siesta and then 8am Sunday morning all the way till almost 6pm Sunday evening.
Here's the sad part. We sort of made a vow not to disclose what we did during that time. Or, at least not the details of the activities. But here's what I can share...

(1) It's YOU and YOUR SPOUSE. That's what the weekend is for. For those who are afraid you may have to spill all your beans in front of others... there is no such thing. There were 3 volunteer couples, couples who have been through ME and have come back to volunteer and they are the ones doing the sharing (they are also specially trained to share), together with the Catholic priest (more on that later) chosen to lead that particular weekend.

(2) If you think this is a marriage counseling session. It is not. There is no counseling involved. There is plenty of communication between spouses and you are pretty much left to sort it out yourselves (thus, this is why I believe the statement I made in the beginning is absolutely accurate, this is for good marriages to be even better.). Honestly, I am not too sure what happens if the both of you are unable to communicate and no solution/agreement/consensus is reached. I guess you could always request a separate counseling session but honest to God, no counseling takes place there.

AND
(3) I am absolutely serious. This is NOT for troubled marriages. This is NOT a quick fix weekend. And if you are stubborn and you refuse to attend with an open mind, then don't waste your time. This is not a weekend specially for couples married for a long time. The couples at our ME weekend ranged from 2 years to 52 years. We were the second "youngest" at slightly over 3 years.

Simply put, this is a weekend to improve the communication skills you have with your spouse. And to do it with love. The same love that drove the 2 of us (and you) to get married however many years ago.

Over this weekend, I learnt several key things.
Marriage, almost like a job you have had for many years, can become mundane. You get to know the drill. You get to know the shortcuts. You get to know the other's likes and dislikes and your actions may at times be guided (or misguided) by such knowledge. You start going through the motion, much like a government employee (yes, I did that on purpose). There is no real purpose. And all this leads to taking your spouse for granted... similar to the proverbial "iron rice bowl".

When one understands his/her spouse better, instinctively, words and actions may be "catered" to the spouse. So, one starts telling their spouse only what they think their spouse should hear, assuming that the info (or action) they exclude will draw a whole bunch of emotions they don't want to deal with. This assumption, is but, an assumption.

Most importantly, just when I thought I had all the skills in the world (afterall, I have taught listening and communicaton skill classes before) to deal with misunderstandings and conflict, I learnt yet another communication skills tool. I will honesty say I am not too sure this new skill will work with everyone, but what does?

This past weekend, I believe I rediscovered Jessica. Not that I had really lost her. I believe, we had just become caught up in the world around us.

I am usually a skeptic. And for me to be sold on anything, it has to be almost flawless. The funny thing is that this ME program is not even very complex. In fact, it is so simplistic that it would be diffcult to have flaws. I am sold on the program because I believe it enhanced our marriage infinitely. But, truthfully, it is not the program. It is us. The program merely acts as a catalyst. And therefore, anyone reading this, I strongly encourage attending a ME weekend. ME is held in many (I think they said something like 80) countries around the world. BUT, only do so if you LOVE your spouse and are open to communicating freely with them.

One last note. The Marriage Encounter program IS somewhat religious based. It is run by the Catholic church in most countries. There is a small (and yes, I do mean small) focus on God in a marriage. In singapore, the lead is always a Catholic priest and I think likewise in the US. That being said, our ME weekend had 3 couples (out of 13) who were not Catholics. I actually spoke with them because I was curious if this program was skewed (to use this word loosely) too much to Catholicism. In a way, I felt it was. But, surprisingly, they said no. In fact, they were recommended to attend by non-Catholic friends of theirs. But, they made a very valid point. If you are non-Catholic, you really have to attend with an open mind, with the understanding that this weekend is about YOU and YOUR SPOUSE.