I guess as we all get older, we tend to come into contact with death a lot more. Naturally. In the last year, I have had more friends and family friends pass on than I can remember. As for family friends, it's almost expected. They are all my parents' friends and they are all in the 70s and 80s age group. As for my friends, they were not young, but with the life expectancy these days at high 70s, they were considered young.
About three years ago, my aunt (my Dad's brother's wife) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer (I think I am correct, but forgive me if I am not). She went through the ordeal of chemotherapy and radiology and her cancer was supposed to be in remission after a year of treatment. About 6 months ago, she had difficulty keeping her food down and when she went for a check up, it was discovered that there were cancer growths on her intestines and stomach. Last week, the doctor told my uncle that my aunt had about 1-2 months left.
Also about 3 years ago, my uncle (my Mom's sister's husband) was diagnosed with throat cancer. He has been blind for almost 40 years and when he was told that the best solution was to remove his voice box, naturally, he was very upset. He now would not only be blind, but mute as well. However, he went through the procedure and his cancer was also supposed to be in remission. He was a trooper. I remember several visits with him. We communicated with him writing his thoughts. Writing, that he had learnt (and remembered) from more than 40 years ago. He was already blind when I was born, so, in the last 40 some years, he has been using braille. However, from his writing, you would never believe he had not written in 40 years!!! 2 weeks ago, a tumor was discovered in his lungs. The results of whether this tumor is malignant or benign are due later this week. However, whatever the results, the progress he has made in the last 6 months took a few steps backwards.
I say this again. I am not afraid of death. But, with all this occurring around me, I can't help but think about it. I believe I am not afraid to die, if it is sudden enough. However, if it is long drawn out, like JB, my aunt, my uncle... then, I am not sure.
What I am really unsure about is, if I can deal with the outcome the way they have all been dealing with it. JB was my first real life example of how I should deal with bad news I was going to die. I saw him with my very own eyes, how he went through his days knowing he won't be here for very much longer but at the same time, not wanting pity from anyone. How he tried to lead the "normal" life, even when it was not so normal anymore. My parents and my uncle text me several times a week to update me on my aunt. Every text comes with this message... "her spirits are good".... I don't know how one's spirits can be good when they know they are about to die. And that's where I am not sure if I am really not afraid of death.
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